Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Truth

I would be lying if I said the last 4 months have been easy.

I would be lying if I said I never for one minute doubted my sanity.

I would be lying if I said I never questioned myself if we made the right decision in bringing another child into this family.

Fake it until you make it.

You see, these last four months have been the hardest times I have had for a while. The tears, the emotions, the adrenaline coupled with the lack of sleep. Fear and doubt creep into the most vulnerable of places and it takes over.

Scratches, pinches, clawing, screaming. Throwing things, breaking things, destroying things.

This little boy, fresh to his new home. New faces, smells, foods. New pillow, clothes, friends, family. A new caretaker, routine, a new language.

Was I thinking that his transition would be a seamless one? Of course I did! I prayed it would be that's for sure. But at the end of the day I would lay in bed and beg God to make tomorrow better. Help me to love him and care for him. Help me to keep my voice down and my head clear. Just one day. Just please let us have one good day. I would pray this every night. Every. Single. Night.

Until one night, I fell into bed... Thank you God, thank you for our good day. Thank you for this day of smiles and hugs and kisses.

Four months and I see that light at the end of the tunnel. There are less and less breakdowns on both of our parts. There is more obedience and less destructive behavior. There are more and more hugs and kisses and less scratches.

I tend to forget where Samuel came from. I tend to forget that the residuals of his abandonment and adoption as a toddler are there. These are not normal toddler behaviors. Most mothers get that bonding time when their babies are small. But I didn't have that with Sam. So we are truly starting as strangers and are growing closer to mother and son.

I am so thankful that this child is my son. I am thankful that God gave me the chance to know him and to spend my life being his momma.

But I also think it is important to show people that adoption isn't always rainbows and butterflies. That there are huge obstacles to overcome and these children have stories that we will never know. There are wounds that we as parents will never be able to heal.

But I see that light and I believe that we are coming out of the weeds and into the fresh air.

Thank you God, for your mercies that are new every morning.