So I have attempted to write this post for some time now and each time I was pulled away by one thing or another. Maybe it wasn't the right time, maybe it was me just being hesitant.
I have gotten many messages and text and face to face conversations from people thanking me for being "real" in this adoption. More times than not, if you ask how things are going I am going to be honest with you. There are good days and bad days and my answers will vary day by day.
But I feel so icky just putting it out there on the world wide web for anyone to see and scrutinize and judge. I do believe that there are people that genuinely care and I believe that there are nosey people. Such is life.
So maybe that is why things felt so icky, I don't know. The last thing I want is for any of my kids to get a hold of this blog when they are older and think, "Oh, my mom felt THAT way??" Ewww.
In the spirit of being real though, and not going into details, I will tell you that this adoption has been hard. Heck, every adoption that we have done has been hard. Now that I think about it, show me one that is a cake walk.
Yes, we asked for it and yes, we knew what we were getting ourselves into. (We really had no idea....) We felt prepared and felt ready and felt all these feelings in general and we were blindsided.
I won't go into the details but....
I have friendships that I thought for sure would be lifelong that have dissolved because I am "too busy."
I have cancelled one too many hair appointments, one too many coffee dates, one too many lunch dates.
I have been incredibly weird, incredibly distant and incredibly emotional.
I have backed out of obligations, meetings and family outings.
I have cried my eyes out, said words that are far too foul and often thought worse of people than are true.
I have prayed, thrown my hands up, begged, and turned my back.
I have lived these last four months beside a child and have gone with her places in darkness that no child should be accustomed to.
I have seen the kindest child spit nails.
I have seen the older child seem so childish.
I have seen the child that loves with all he has spew venom.
This has been an incredible life change for our whole family. This has turned one little girls life completely upside down.
I say all of this to ask for your grace and your understanding and that you not take our absence personally. If we cancel last minute or if we are an hour late, or I forget to call you back or don't call at all.... grace.
There are some days that we just cannot leave the house. There are some nights that are just too long.
Thank you to the friends that have stayed the course, to those that haven't given up on us. Thank you to the friends that speak life into us. To the friends that I can confide in without judgment. To the friends and family that get it, to those that pour love on our kids no matter how messy we are.
Thank you for those that have shown grace and have offered a kind word. Thank you for not judging. Thank you for loving.
I cannot begin to tell you how far we have come. I cannot begin to tell you how far she has come. She really blows me away with her tenacity and perseverance. There are times that I just tear up and thank God she is ours. It has only been 4 months and she has burrowed and ingrained herself in my heart.
We have a long way, but praise God we are moving forward.
To those out there in the trenches, tackling one day at a time, praying for a better day tomorrow.... tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day of grace.
"I will not cause pain without allowing something NEW to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9