A year and a half ago I approached Shannon about adopting again. He was hesitant at first. Okay, he was really hesitant. He is a realist and I... well, I lead with my heart. I would have 6, 7, 8 kids if he gave me the "yes" every single time. And this time, it was a "no". But I knew in my heart that it was time. MY time. MY time to be a mom again. So I begged and cried. I acted like a brat. I exhausted him. He was still pushing back with that yucky word... "no". So after trying to do it MY way I laid it down. As my friend Heather says, "Lay it at the foot of the cross." And I did just that. I laid it down. It was soooo hard to put it there and not revisit it every. single. day. But I did it and survived to tell about it. Oy vey... I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Just one more, God. Just let me be a mom one more time and I promise I won't ask again.
I began to come across the name Esther. Esther was everywhere I looked. Who knew that was my son's favorite book of the Bible? Who knew our vet techs name was Esther? It was in books, on the radio, TV... it was IN. MY. FACE.
On a random day, 9/11/13 to be exact, I was so sure in my heart I had found my Esther. Her Chinese name literally meant "Bright like a star"... Esther means star. Esther, who was a pretty amazing woman in the Bible, was also adopted.
This particular girl was prissy, precious, a little older than I imagined my daughter to be, but none the less. I was sure.
A few days later, on a Thursday to be exact, Shannon came home and said that we needed to talk. Uh. Oh.
Our conversations went like this:
"So, are we going to do it again?"
Me:
"Adopt. Are we going to adopt again? Because if we are
And at that point I was a hot mess. I mean HOT. Snot slinging, hugging, more snot, ugly cry. It was bad.
But I realized that this was not MY time. It was GOD's time. His time is so incredibly perfect.
Esther+husband that says yes= DAUGHTER!!!
So I began to pray. If this was God's plan for our family that he would open the doors. Esther wasn't agency specific. She didn't even have her paperwork done. And that if it wasn't His will he would close the door. Her paperwork, we would later find out would make it's way to Italy. This girl, who had just turned 9 on September 11th, the day I saw her face, was moving farther and farther away from us. Like really far. Italy far. Everything we tried to work out to bring her home just didn't fit. I cant explain it. It was more than really overcoming odds and trusting God to move mountains. It was suffocating, exhausting, and I felt we were running a race that we were waaaay off course for. And I was so right.
In the beginning of November I was looking at an agency website that has waiting kids from China. I like to torture myself, don't ya know. I came across this one particular girl that caught my eye. She reminded me soooo much of a friend's daughter. I knew I had seen her previously, actually not long after we came home with Sam. But we just weren't in a place to go there. She just looked SO familiar to me! So I see her on the website and it just got the best of me. I emailed the agency and asked for more information. I quickly got a reply back with her "file" (all of her medical and social information that Ch*&a provids to waiting families. I looked at it, called Shannon, and asked for more information called an update. I thought of her but just felt so... raw from what we went through a few months later that I was really afraid to go there. I didn't tell anyone about getting "Wanda's" file. No one. Not mom, not best friend of 25 years. No one. I just couldn't put anyone else back on this rollercoaster again. I was sure they were nauseous from the last ride. So, I kept it to myself. We waited almost 5 weeks for an update. I would be lying if I said I checked my email like it was my job and my nerves were on edge. They just weren't. She was older, her needs were a little unclear and I was scared. So we waited on that email while fully engaging in life.
Then, LoveGave happened....
{to be continued...}
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