In the midst of this world wind we call life I am able to do a bible study by Ann Voskamp called "One Thousand Gifts." The purpose of the study is "to live fully right where you are." You daily record your gifts you have been given:
- the smell of my children after they are all bathed and jammied up
-my husband returning safely home from work
-our conversations around the dinner table
Those little moments that could very well pass you by and maybe not even recognize them as a "gift."
I have been writing them, I have been reflecting on them. But have I truly lived FULLY right where I am? Well the answer to that is no. Not even a maybe, but flat out no.
See, I have mentioned this before but this adoption has been.... different. Different for several reasons. It has been our most emotional adoption by far. For me anyway.
It has been filled with twists and turns and upside downs that often make me nauseous. It has been one thing after another financially. It has been a train wreck of a paper trail to this child.
Maybe it has been most difficult because she is older, because she has undoubtedly seen many things that children should not see or endure. Because she goes to bed at night without someone tucking her in. Because she doesn't have her family. Yet.
Eucharisteo: Joy. Grace. Thanksgiving.
I have really been trying to wrap my head around this word that I can barely pronounce, yet I am drawn to it. Drawn to its meaning, to its place in my life and to the three words that proceed it.
Joy. Grace. Thanksgiving.
Have I been living in Joy? Have I taken advantage of his grace extended to me? Have I fully recognized the Thanksgiving that is due Him?
The answer again is no.
I have been concentrating on everything that has gone wrong. I have been fixated on time lines and setbacks. I have been consumed with getting things done in the time frame I feel we need to be on.
I feel at times that this isn't really going to happen. I feel that we are not prepared ( and we aren't!! the poor kiddo has a dress and a pair of shoes!!). I feel in my heart that she needs ME, that at times I am fighting for her soul. I am fighting tooth and nail for her to be my daughter. I am exhausted. I am a hot mess. I am depleted.
I worry constantly because we are lacking about 12,000.00 to bring her home. I will now be traveling alone due to our financial crisis. I call it a crisis... because it is. I will leave my family and travel to a foreign country to get my daughter. Without my husband. I'm not scared, I can do this. But I don't want to. I want my husband in that room with me. I cannot do this without him. It is like being in the birthing suite without your best friend, your soul mate, your rock.
I'm a little bitter and confused.
Why? Why is the fight so hard?
Because it isn't about me. It isn't about Everly. It isn't about the money or the struggles.
It is about the testimony. It is about what God is doing in her life... and in ours.
It is about this really awesome wicked cool story that we are going to share one day, a story that only GOD can be in, empty of me.
Everly belongs to God, just as my other children do. He knew her before she was formed in her mother's womb. He knows how many hairs on her head and every desire in her sweet heart. He knows the needs that she needs met and we are prayerful that He is preparing her heart for us.
So in this day to day I will strive for Eucharisteo. I will strive for Joy and Grace and Thanksgiving. I will strive to be filled with grace and thanksgiving at each set back. I will strive for joy when things take a little longer. I will tell, with thanksgiving, all of the amazing ways that people are stepping into our lives and are giving of their time and talents and monetary donations. I will be intentional about living in the moment and living fully. Not with bondage or sadness, not with frustration or stress. But with thanksgiving that she is my daughter. My beautiful daughter that WILL come home in HIS time.
I am thankful for those of you that have really touched my heart. I am thankful for the encouragement, the hugs and phone calls, the ways that you are helping bring Everly home. The ways your are, right at this very moment praying our daughter home.
She will be home.
It takes a village, it takes a lot of hard work, it takes faith. But she will be home....